The point is, theres a baby on the way who needs a daddy. But when it comes down to it, men have *zero* say in anything having to do with the child how it is raised, where it lives, etc. Recently he ended the affair and told this woman to have no further contact. We were on and off for few months, and during that time we both dated other people. Because the one who is raising the kid is obviously already supporting it. Its that theyre more likely to be honest about not wearing them when something bad results. But, yet, again you let him back and hoped things would change and he would be with you. Seriously, there are as many babies in my class as there are classmates. I just found out that someone he had slept with before we got back together is pregnant. The woman also gets to choose to keep the baby if she wants (even against his wishes), and gets the added benefit of forcing an unwitting and unwilling father into servitude for what is completely and totally her choice by your own admission. Chuck(le) And for some reason people always seem to have the idea that it wont happen to them. Then, fine; but you need to consider the possibility of having to deal with this malarkey for the rest of the time you and your boyfriend are together. Stop this back and forth with him. April 9, 2012, 3:07 pm. bittergaymark Ive been in the position where I chose to keep my baby when the father wanted to abort. Not good enough. Hes a real winner. I dont really know what the question was I just assumed it was should we stay together How can you not also be angry at your bf LW? He made his position very clear very early on. He had a FWB relationship with a girl and always used condoms. IMO there are probably better ways to deal w/ the more egregious incidents of paternity fraud. Talk about malarky. bittergaymark Close to $1,000 and thats for a shitty one. It seems they are in a good place now, but I checked my mans texts and she still flirts with him and tries to get him back. Why do you think that is? God knows the mother of this child will have no choice but to do that. Steve Kellmeyer And, lo and behold, you arent coming across any better. MOA, and wash your hands of the whole thing. I came back to re-read because I was worried my reply would be disjointed and confusing (I wrote it tired last night, with a fever), so Im glad that while its not going to win any literary award, it wasnt totally nonsensical! It is amazing to me to see the vitriol that men are carrying on with talking about paying money towards the health and well being of a child that they helped create. P.S. April 9, 2012, 3:04 pm, Ill continue playing devils advocate here today But simply disagreeing with others does NOT fit the definition of a troll, not by a long shot. Um please feel free to disregard teh account representative, that may have been for something else haha. He wont be a deadbeat dad, as some have suggested. I would MUCH rather this guy walk away now then be stuck with a screaming baby he doesnt care for and end up throwing it off a bridge. The family structure is dynamic and without balance, falls apart. And realize that when you have sex, you could very well get someone pregnant. People are calling the LW scum because hes willing to abandon a child he helped create. Ummm hes scum because he abandoned a woman he impregnated. I think the key is that the choice to abort doesnt result in an innocent child that still has needs to be met. He didnt expect that to happen. She still doesnt get it, but we tried. And he put you in danger of contracting an STD because he failed to use a condom. If someone decides to risk becoming a parent by having sex, especially unprotected sex, or by letting a pregnancy continue to the point where a baby is born, they are consenting to be responsible for any child that is produced. Do you want a man who doesnt want to be in a childs life because it means being with you? submandave It is quite possible to become pregnant on the pill. reader, Laura1318+, writes (25 January 2008): A Her mother supported her and helped raise my sister for the first couple of years. I think we need to take a poll. Um, yeah. Yes, its true it is past the point. 12, 14, and 16 year old girls are statutorily raped, too, and their rapists? She has to go through a pregnancy no matter what (assuming she doesnt believe in abortion). Painted_lady That is what makes him a douchenozzle. Your are putting words into peoples mouths. I am willing to give this guy a teeney, tiny shred of doubt that he is in shock and is responding poorly, but that he could be a decent guy who will come around wants he gets his head around the situation. Im waiting for the moral and mental gymnastics that say its OK to force a man to spend 18 years paying to provide a good life for the result of his error in judgement, but its not OK to force a woman to spend nine months working to simply give life to the result of her error in judgement. Out of all the cries of sexism being thrown back and forth, that to me truly is sexist, assuming that a mother cannot raise a well-adjusted child by herself. Stop being a whiny spectator in your own life. Senior year of high school, you turn to your boyfriend and say the words hes been dying to hear I think Im ready. He responds with Great, Im totally ready to be a dad anyway. Uh, no, were using protection. No, I know. but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. By nothing to do with their lifestyle choices do you mean never put it in her because I dont think we make men pay child support to women they have not had sex with. If you support legal abortion, then you emphatically deny that men create children. He says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me, and wants to marry me. Dont ever sleep with someone mean or stupid, because if you get pregnant, youre going to be tied to that person for the rest of your childs life. And I was like, Ewww, Mom, thats gross! But it was great advice, and Ive always followed it. Takeoff Shot in Head and Torso, According to Coroner Report, Aaron Carter Pulled Over On Suspicion Of DUI While Driving RV. just like anyone else we were shocked given i was on bc & for me abortion/adoption was just out of the question . lets_be_honest Hes allowed to not want to be a father! Think of the children. The point is that no one cares about your guesswork, sunshine. reader, yelyah77+, writes (16 April 2009): A April 9, 2012, 2:14 pm. If her fiance adopted the child, then he is the legal father and she would go after him for Child Support. The more you fight for another womans man, the more desperate you look. Let him deal with the consequences of his own actions without relying on you to rescue him. I dont know what he told her within those two minutes but obviously it worked cause now yeah. I understand that there are many times when adoption is the best choice. You dont ask women to have abortions unless youre scum. April 9, 2012, 10:46 am, Im not even sure how to address this letter, so I guess step by step is a good way to go. WTF!!! Im sorry, but sex creates children. lets_be_honest After 7 months I moved back, but upon moving back he made a confession to me. You and the baby are the victims. in whether or not a child is a result here is what all you men should do at like age 18 or whatever. The entire letter reeked of entitlement. Here are five hard truths every "other woman" should know: 1. Or you think that landygirl does that? The only thing you need to think about is if you can stay and have a healthy relationship with a man who has a child with another woman and wants to bear minimal responsibility for raising the child. Im currently going through a rough breakup with my partner of nearly 9 years, and if this happened to me two months from now I would be having angry, irrational emotions too. "Cry, vent and . You mean, he should be able to decide whether or not hes emotionally distant and vacant from the life he had equal part in creating? Stay with someone he dislikes because she became pregnant? Been there That is not acceptable. April 9, 2012, 1:13 pm. Risk reduction is not relevant, because the risk never goes to 0%. And shame on you for agreeing that he is entitled to this opinion. By clicking Subscribe Now, you agree to our, Find out why Dr. Sherry has this message for this scorned woman: You are being played with a capital "P!, The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages. Marriage to this woman would be the most stupid thing possible. In fact, Im sure you could find a wealth of women who never received support a day in their life. I knew, but loved him so much, forgave him & said wed give each other some space, but when I gave that space, he just went on ahead & made this lady pregnant. Why do you assume everything is so laid back though? In any event, Im happy to hear what youve shared already! Now, the woman could want it and the dude not want it. The idea that he actually said I would prefer if you had an abortion is laughable. Its fucking unfair. Do you want to talk about how a baby is made? You clearly didnt comprehend what you were reading very well. is significantly higher than the risk of contracting HIV, which is actually not all that contagious. April 9, 2012, 6:41 pm, bittergaymark April 9, 2012, 8:29 pm. Is it fair to a kid to be born into a world where his dad abandons him? Read the comments. For me, the joy of the act is not actually giving it, but the enjoyment your partner gets. Actually, pulling out has a 4% failure rate versus 2% for condoms for perfect use. Just shut up and pay the bills, right? I think the LW here should wash her hands of this whole mess and stay away from the drama. Again, no. I believe I saw the C-word used at least once. Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. 2. the guy is not worth you in a relationship. Call me crazy, but I dont see any partys reaction to this crazy. Placement deals with where they are physically. April 9, 2012, 1:28 pm. Change the subject and attack is not debate and makes you look pathetic. Women can decide to abort the pregnancy or to give the child up for adoption, both of which are choices that remove any future obligation. The only ones who dont are the ones who dont ask for it and/or whom the court deems is unable or unfit to. female Going through the comments here, right on cue, I already record no less than five times that the boyfriend is called scum or scumbag. Thats true Yankee vernacular. The idea that he owes his life to her now that hes fathered her child is precisely the reason so many people are in unhappy marriages and there is such a high number of marital affairs. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. First of all, they knew each other for two months, not two minutes. Go back and reread the original letter starting with the part where hes furious with the woman he impregnated. And how do you know you wouldnt do the same thing she is? Another thing that happened in my friends case is that at the same time that they signed things to waive his parental rights, the mother had the child adopted by her fiance and then her fiances name was put on the birth certificate from the get go (though, this was all done behind my friends back and that part was done without his consent, nor was even discussed). Im arguing that he should be able to get out of the responsibility in the same way that a woman can get out of that responsibility. If not, then why cant a man sever all legal and fiscal responsibility prior to the childs birth (as it would be a parallel situation)? Category Convertible. Sometimes the contribution of a father who doesnt want to be a father is far worse than the lack of father. Their choice, honey. I dont see why this issue is any different. But I think that both people have equal responsibility and equal rights in expressing a view. I dont feel anyone should be forced to be a part of a childs life. Step away slowly. Offers may be subject to change without notice. THERE IS NO CHILD AT CONCEPTION. He can be one he better be one- and still be a loyal partner to you. Mmmhmm, I thought so. If the man doesnt, apparently you feel that he should not have that option. Whatever you do, leave the future children or the pregnancy out of the equation when it comes to your relation. There was a reason for that. Sometimes the reasons are clear, such as frequent arguments, lack of interest, and abuse. Ive done too many drugs and Id never write a letter like this XD. I would love to pil your brain on this, specifically how your mom handled discussing it with you if you would be Willing to share. April 10, 2012, 5:46 pm. Nice try. April 9, 2012, 6:39 pm, Oh, please. He wants nothing to do with his own child. These Are The 5 Signs Your Ex Is In A Rebound Relationship. If she does your boyfriend will deal with the aftermath of having sex without a condom. It's good that he's being a responsible father already by supporting them financially. He wants nothing to do with her OR the baby? The letter writers bf is furious at the woman having his child. This is a process and it's got a lot of risks. Now I'm happily married and live in Orlando. 6napkinburger No. It only says he asked her to. I think its pretty unfair that women have the choice to abort or not, and the man gets no say in that, not really. I have zero sympathy for for any guy crying about how hes stuck paying for a child he doesnt want. I recommend you seek individual therapy and process your feelings. April 9, 2012, 3:42 pm. Id like to hear your explanation as to why that should not be the case. For the love of all things holy are you deliberately obtuse or truly lacking in basic comprehension? So he and the LW should break up for good. And you cant have conception without sperm. But women and children, in the context of child custody and support systems, end up in extremely unfortunate and unfair situations far more often. Sure. April 9, 2012, 3:01 pm, Well, I have to just give the opposite side of this that 1. at least he plans to financially provide for the child and 2. if someone is so adament about not wanting children as he seems to be, then all are probably better off giving the child to the mother only which is a hell of a lot like adoption. It was unplanned and a . Its always just a hope. The divide between the populations of men and women that make up people differs only by a couple of percent world wide, so unless your definition of the term people consists largely of men, that argument falls through. What I see is a huge surge of anger at the guy and all sorts of reflections on what type of person he must be, and relatively little anger towards the woman, whose pregnancy and right to bear the child are apparently sacrosanct. Ive heard of stuff like this from friends of mine, where theyve been in relationships and their BF finds out his ex got pregnant and blah blah blah so take it as you will, I guess. He could have also said he wants the baby, and the LW is lying. April 9, 2012, 12:39 pm. lets_be_honest . LW: When I started reading this letter I was prepared to tell you to MOA, but by the end I decided that you and your boyfriend sound like equally shitty people! John Rohan Youve given me a lot to think about in terms of my views on raising children that come out of short term flings and im appreciative for the insight. April 10, 2012, 8:46 am, he does not have the option to opt out entirely. I could understand that he would be shocked and unhappy, but who does that? reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): A Its not a crime to have unprotected sex, dangerous and irresponsible, but not a crime. If you have any self respect, dump the sob. You bolster my case by agreeing that he can share responsibility with the mother or simply provide support but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. I also think hes kind of a jerk for having sex with someone he cant stand. Not only was she on the pill, but he wore a condom! We were apart for over five years when he announced he was becoming a father, and even though all that time had passed and despite my happiness with my new husband, it still conjured up a lot of . He also didnt say fine, Ill support you financially, but really I dont wanna be a dada. He said that he would obviously pay but wants nothing to do with the women or the baby. . Hes not a victim, unless she raped him. If youd like to share you e-mail, we could correspond more about this. hamster van beethoven Twitter Debates 16-Year Age Gap Between Jaylen Brown & Mouthwatering Meemaw Bernice Burgos, Barbie Gyal Nicki Minaj Returns From Hiatus And Sets Di Road Ablaze At Trinidad Carnival 2023, Rain Pon Meeee: Ashanti Reminds Everyone How Feathered And FINE She Was At Trinidad Carnival 2019, Chaka Khan Shows No Mercy Blasting Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey & Other Names On Rolling Stone's 'Greatest Singers' List, Funniest (And Pettiest) Tweets From NBA All-Star Weekend 2023. The key if you do decide to engage- keep it as civil and reasoned as possible. Men AND women have walked away from children. The last time I checked it took more than one person to make a baby. I agree with you regarding being a part of the childs life but I dont agree with you on the money aspect. April 9, 2012, 3:33 pm, bittergaymark Its not right Im sure I wouldnt.! i thought that was a bit harsh as well although her anger is unjustified, shes actually just reacting the same way 99% of people would do in that same situation. Im PRETTY sure you only included this to make yourself sound like a selfless person. FireStar Dont let him use you because his life is in chaos now. bittergaymark But to me, it sounds like youre misdirecting your anger. She didnt roofie him, Chuck. I hope the LW takes note of the fact that Amandas comment currently has 61 likes. Jimmy has made his choice. But for someone more causal, that isnt really there as much. Women have two- before sex, and after they find out theyre pregnant. A mans legal obligation to support his children is not some well hidden secret and nowhere is it mentioned that hes being asked for anything more. Its very clear that you care a great deal about the quality of your childs life and emotional well-being. Im so glad SOMEONE pointed that out. Abortion is incompatible with compelled child support. I agree with you, as well. And finally we see what youre doing ranting about paternity laws and mens rights on a relationship advice site. And throwing money at her only covers one part of that. To be fair, (and Im not at all discrediting what youre saying, because it very well could be true), but no where in the letter does she mention that he did or did not use a condom. 3. its up to you wether to stay his friend or not. Let this be a learning lesson for everyone male and female. Therefore, move on. Hes scum because he abandoned a woman he impregnated.. I have never heard anybody going through an unwanted pregnancy say they didnt take care. And she was all, Um, yeah, those arent always 100 percent effective. And he was like, THEY SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE BOX!!!! But just my guess. But its her body Well, department of labor clearly shows that statistically a man in a low-paying job is far more likely to die in a workplace accident over the course of 18 years than a woman over a normal pregnancy. This is not unlike telling women that they cannot have an abortion in that it forces parenthood when it neednt be forced. Weeks. I just felt a huge blow of betrayal because I was waiting for him to talk to me again.
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